The Place Where Ludington Talks
Twas the Night Before Christmas in Ludington
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the city
Not a creature was stirring, not even a kitty.
The cars were all parked off the street side with care,
In hopes that nuisance tickets would not be found there.
The citizens were nestled all snug in their beds,
While thoughts of heating bills bothered their heads.
And mamma with her nasal strip, and I in my shorts,
Had just entered REM sleep, I was dreaming of sports.
When out on the lawn there arose such a ruckus,
I sprang from the bed to see who's trying to fuckus.
Away to the window I flew like a swift,
Tore open the plastic and looked over a drift.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to a Chevy Tahoe.
When, what to my wondering eyes should encroach,
But a police SUV, and yet more cars approach.
With a little old driver, so lively and gay,
I knew in a moment it must be John Shay.
More rapid than jaguars his followers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Wally! now, Lester! now, Kaye and Dick!
On, Gary! On, Wanda!, on Mark and Nick!
To the top of the porch! to the front of the door!
Now carry on as to what we went over before!"
As they all lined up along the shoveled sidewalk,
Shay put finger to lips, and promptly denied talk.
So up to the front door the officials they stepped,
With purposeful intent of a schedule they kept.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard 'gainst the door
The pounding and pleading of each little boor.
As I drew up my head, and entered the hall,
Through the door Shay burst; oh my, what gall!
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his feet,
Yet his skin seemed hairless, he was reeking of Neet.
A bundle of infractions he had clutched in his hand,
And he motioned behind him, so I'd see his band.
His eyes-how they goggled! his attitude was wary!
His hair was all permed, his countenance was scary!
His droll little mouth was drawn up with a sneer,
And a smile then a smirk would alternately appear.
He pointed at me and he gritted his teeth,
Looked at my shorts, as if he could see underneath.
He had a thin face and a slender body frame,
That shook when he laughed, as he spoke my name!
He was forthright and blunt, an obnoxious old troll,
And I laughed when he told me he was stealing my soul!
A twist of his head, a motion to the police chief,
Soon gave me to know I would have nothing but grief.
The chief spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fastened the handcuffs, then turned to the jerk.
And twisting my arms in ways they never bent,
Giving Shay a nod, to the squad car we went!
I was placed in the Tahoe, and was driven to jail,
They said 'twere no crime, so there will be no bail.
But I heard him exclaim, as the jail door clanged shut,
"This will happen to all citizens that show us their butt!"
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