A Visit from Wildlife Management

[XLFD]

A weird Christmas spirit inhabits the creator of the Ludington Torch every year it seems, last year it happened at the local school board when the Christmas song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" was reprocessed to get the board to reconsider having that year's deer cull happen on elementary school grounds, usually, however, we just share our Christmas standards adapted to the Ludington area here.  

This year, we have adapted the famous poem, "a Visit from St. Nicholas" (you may know it as "Twas the Night Before Christmas") for a similar cause.  I read the first half of it at the December 18, 2023 Ludington City Council meeting during my two minute comment period near the end of the meeting.  Call it satire or parody, it is an additional way to present the points against the deer cull that is at least mildly entertaining and thought-provoking.  

In the first stanza, we note the non-transparency of the whole process so far.  In the second, we note the triviality of some of those who would bring the cull to Ludington.  The third illustrates that the cull is scheduled to happen very close to buildings, the fourth gives us a hint of who's narrating this poem and his close relationship with Councilor Ted May.  

Others may offer wry humor, others may be more cogent, but we hope the overall effect is to give yourself a new perspective on the deer cull without the usual lecture or recitation of facts which I believe shows this whole thing to be a bad idea, and worth fighting against using such tactics as ridiculing a couple of ridiculous public officials.  You can listen to the first half of the cull starting at the 49:15 mark of the video supplied.  After the photo you can read the finish.  Please, enjoy and join our efforts to cull this costly cull.

A Visit from Wildlife Management

'Twas the night before deer cull, and nobody knew,

'Twas a city hall secret, known only by few;

The hostas were dormant out on the front lawn,

Us fretful in spring they'd be food for a fawn;

Citizens were nestled all snug in their bed,

Unaware their house might soon be shot through with lead;

And Ted May in his boxers and I in my briefs,

Had just finished role-playing where I was still chief;

When out on my lawn there arose such a clamor,

Damn kids I thought, need a night in the slammer.

Away to the window I flew with my gun,

Told Ted be ready to dial nine-one-one;

The streetlights shining down on the new-fallen snow,

Made clear to see what was happening below,

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

An ATV rider slaughtering helpless deer.

With a driver wearing his goggles infrared,

I knew in a moment he's definitely a fed;

More rapid than legal his bullets he shot,

And shouted out names, yet unsure what ones he got;

"Kill Dasher! Kill, Dancer! Kill Prancer and Vixen!

Kill, Comet! Kill, Cupid! Kill, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of that fence! To the top of this wall!

It's fair game for the taking in this town's deer cull."

As bullets flew into both background and beast

'Twas a minute before muffled gunfire had ceased;

Right up to the doorsteps the deer he had slain

Many holes in the body and some through the brain;

I cheered for the carnage I clapped for the blood

The writhing deer bodies, squirming in my yard's mud.

As I called out to Ted, to see our work done,

He chuckled with pure glee and caressed my gun.

The culler alit hard seen with white camo

Opened his assault rifle, filled it with ammo.

A backpack of gear he sat down in the snow,

Took off his goggles, face reddened but aglow.

His eyes—how they focused! His smile, so eerie!

His cheeks rose red with blood, from killing the deer-ie!

A radio he drew up to his chapped lips,

Said he got some more deer, put his hand on his hips;

He drew forth some bags and stooped near some corpses

Looked all about as if he was in the armed forces;

He had a broad face and a little gold nose ring

Caked with frozen snot, so it wasn't jingling;

He squinted up at us, took aback by reflex,

Saw joy in our faces, at what he had wreak'd

A wink of our eye showed he had nothing to fear,

Bagging the remains of eight tiny fresh-killed deer.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the black bags, with deer meat and murk.

Gently laying the bags on the back of his rig

Struck a match off his beard, and lit up a cig;

He leapt to his seat, and gave the key a twist

Waved goodbye at us both, with a flick of his wrist;

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

"Sorry about your car, I shot out a headlight"

[Willy]

Hilarious.Love the last verse.