Dustmanwilliam, A Fractured Ludington Timebed Story

One week ago, Bill Dustman successfully filed his petition in order to run for mayor of Ludington.  While it was noted at the Mason County PressWMOM, and the City of Ludington Daily News, the only thing they have printed then, and since was his name (the MCP noted he lived on George Street).  Contrast this with the other candidate, Steve Miller, who had a front page gush-fest in the COLDNews, which continued well into the newspaper spanning dozens of column inches while also sporting his hand-picked mug. 

Miller who is the marketing and communications manager at WMOM, obviously used those skills to finagle the newspaper to run a favorable tale about him and his life, and his hopes of what he could do for Ludington.  As WMOM continues to run Miller's voice-over on advertisements for various businesses without charging Steve anything and while not saying whether they will allow Mr. Dustman equal time, you may wonder why the table is set so unjustly in this mayoral contest story.

The elements of this story can perhaps best be satirized by adapting it into a special Ludington fairy tale, or is that more of a ferry tale, loosely based on Rumplestiltskin, however, the title character and others have had their names and actions slightly altered for amusement and relevance.  I hope you enjoy:

                                                       DUSTMANWILLIAM

At the Tonluding village market, the miller's teve made a living selling rather stale beer and bread, using his best oratory to sell the poor quality goods.  One day, Overlord Shayjon was at the market and was suckered into buying the miller's teve's product, but took a hearty draught of the sour beer and realized he was swindled; he drew his sword.  The miller's teve asked for his life to be spared, saying he had the magical ability to spin manure into gold.

Overlord Shayjon was more greedy than he was vexed, so after locking the miller's teve up with a spinning wheel, he had the village's street cleaner bring a wheelbarrow full of fresh horse manure into the cell, telling the miller's teve that his life would be spared if he could spin the crap into gold by the morn.  

The miller's teve began to weep, for he surely could not spin the manure into gold.  As he cleared his eyes, he saw a wizened man appear from the shadows.  "Good evening, miller's teve, why are you crying so?" 

"Alas, I have to spin manure into gold, and I do not know how to do it."

"If I can do that for you, what will you give me in return?"

"I will promote your business for 15 seconds every hour when I'm at the market."  

"I've heard your promos-- tell you what, if you do them for my competitor, you're on."

The grizzled man got a notepad out and scribbled down a few things over the next fifteen minutes.  "There, miller's teve, say and do what's on these papers and you will have spun gold.  Let me take this offal off your hands, I can use it to fertilize my flower beds."  The man and the manure vanished.

In the morn, the overlord showed up with sword out, noted the manure was not there anymore and asked about the gold.  The miller's teve who had memorized what he needed to say and do, offered flattery, gave advice on how the overlord could quell some of the political turmoil of the kingdom, and especially, detailed how to raise more taxes without the ensuing unrest.  

Overlord Shayjon was impressed, but his heart grew only more greedy, and so he had the street cleaner bring in 20 barrels full of ripe cow manure into the cell.  "Miller's teve, if you can spin this manure into 20 times as much gold as I think I can get from last night's work, then you will earn a spot as the mayor of Tonluding."

Between sobs and gasps for air in the pungent confines of the cell, the miller's teve saw the wizened man once again, who said:  "Let me guess, you got more manure, you need to spin more gold?  You're lucky I read Machiavelli and the overlord's discarded mail.  What will you give me in return if I help you this time?" 

"He has promised me the mayorship, I will give you anything within my power once I achieve that."

"Hmm, then all I ask is that when I've taken away this crap and given you golden words of advice to save your bacon, that you advise the overlord that I will be your opponent in a democratically held mayoral election, with ballots, polling places, hanging chads and the like.  Just so you know, I'm Dustmanwilliam."

Now, the miller's teve did not know a lot of the terms used by the man, for true democracy wasn't practiced in Tonluding, but he thought that he had no choice but to accept the terms.  Soon enough, the man got his notepad out, scribbled in it for a couple of hours, handed it to the miller's teve and departed as enigmatically as he came in, along with the barrels of dung to purportedly give to his farmer friend.  

When the overlord came the next day, he was impressed by the lack of manure, but dismayed by the lack of gold, so once again drew his sword.  The miller's teve, however, followed the script of the old man and after several minutes detailed a failsafe way for allowing the village to raise fees and taxes in a flowery, confident manner which over the period of several more minutes had Overlord Shayjon so pleased that he declared the miller's teve the new mayor, replacing the figurehead already there in a ceremony with pomp and splendour.

 

And while the miller's teve had remembered everything he needed to say from the notebook, he had forgotten Dustmanwilliam's part of the bargain about an election by popular mandate.  So it should come as no surprise that on the day after the miller's teve was appointed by Overlord Shayjon, the new mayor once again found himself visited by the gnarled man while counting gold pieces in his study.  

"I don't think you remember our bargain, mayor.  I'm here to claim my spot on the ballot, so we can debate about the issues that affect Tonluding and let people vote on who they think has the better ideas for their future."  

"Sorry, Dustmanwilliam, I really had no choice, he declared me the mayor before I could stop him; besides he loves my ideas."

"Um, those were my ideas, and most of them are not lawful or ethical.  They were designed to save your butt from a crapstorm.  Now, here's a list of days I am free to debate, a list of fair moderators, my petition with 40 signatures to get on the ballot, and a resolution signed by the overlord that democratic elections make for a happy electorate."

The next day, the mayor talked with the overlord and found that Dustmanwilliam had some dirt on Shayjon that convinced him to make the resolution, and that he would make sure that the local town crier would only focus on the miller's teve's good qualities and not on his opponent unless they used an alternate name to confuse the voters.  They agreed that any ballot would only have the miller's teve name on, that placards put out by Dustmanwilliam would be covered by their own placards or taken down.

The town crier, Ratsiczewski, was more than up to the first task, yelling to the townsfolk all of the good works and qualities of the miller's teve (even non-existent ones) and calling his opponent different names, like Krauchmike, Cainwallop, and Wilsendic.  Two weeks before the election, he mysteriously lost his voice.  

Over the next week, the replacement crier, Klevorpatti, took up where Ratsiczewski left off, extolling the virtues of the miller's teve, and how they overshadowed anything by the opponent, who was called, Kindeblus, Riggspence, and Kriegernic, among others.  Her voice also enigmatically faded away.

With one week to go, a new crier came forth named Rottathomas, who loudly proclaimed the story you have read above, emphasizing the dirty dealings of the miller's teve, revealing the double cross of Dustmanwilliam, , exposing the propaganda of the previous criers, and highlighting the collusion with Overlord Shayjon to unjustly disenfranchise the voters.  

The miller's teve hearing the truth and the name of his opponent spoken with the respect it deserved, screamed:  "The devil has told you that! The devil has told you that!"

And in his anger he plunged his right foot so deep into the road that his whole leg went in, and then in rage he pulled at his left leg so hard with both hands that he tore himself in two.  After the street cleaner cleaned up the mess, Dustmanwilliam was elected and served the citizens of Tonluding for many years, insuring democratic principles and transparency were followed by everybody, including Overlord Shayjon.

That's the happy ending; what really happened is that Overlord Shayjon disqualified the election and appointed another figurehead to be mayor.  Dustmanwilliam, along with whatever dirt he had dug up, along with Rottathomas, mysteriously disappeared.  

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This bedtime (time bed) story is enough to cause nightmares, though creative.  Read the real story of the Treasurer retirement and the city manager authority over the interim appointed until 2020.  Another nightmare against Charter.

Very creative X. How about a condensed and clearer story so those of us with dyslexia can better understand it.

Freedom, what's the scoop on the Treasurer? I haven't heard about this.

it made the e version of the MCP ... Along with a link to a job description.

Willy, this story is a bit dyslexic, so you should have a better understanding of it.  As noted, it's kind of a localized fractured tale-- if you recall the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show, they had a recurring feature called "fractured fairy tales" that put a little edge on the regular tale.  I haven't seen it for awhile, but I include the one they made for Rumpelstiltskin.  I reserve the right to explain it at a later date, because like the best allegory, there is a few hidden motifs therein.

So.... couel... lol

"You can't believe everything you read in the papers"

There definitely are some deep overtures in this story. Can seer Rottathomas predict the changing mind, the character, the fickle hand of fate?

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