The Place Where Ludington Talks

Beth Hand, You're Cold Inside

The Ludington Torch always gets in the mood for the holidays by roasting some local officials over the fire in December. In the past, we ruined "Away in a Manger" by giving it a Ludington theme: John Shay as a Manager. we mangled the night before Christmas (Twas the Night Before Christmas in Ludington), twisted Charles Dickens classic (A Christmas COL), totally disrupted O Little Town of Bethlehem (O City Council Ludington), and realigned the twelve days of Christmas (The Twelve Days of Ludington Christmas). We turned "The Little Drummer Boy" upside down into The Ludville Plumber Boy to illustrate the lead problem of Ludington in 2016, updated that in 2017 to a spin-off of 'Good King Winceslas', introducing the new and disproved, Lead Queen Winczewski. Wallace the Brown Nosed Councilor was the go-to in 2019.

In 2020, we poignantly parodied Governor Whitmer with Gretchen, It's COVID Lies, switching over "Baby, It's Cold Outside". The last couple years, we recycled two Xmas staples that we used before in a different form to fight the city's deer cull inclinations. In 2023, it was "A Visit from Wildlife Management", which we shared with the city council, following 2022 when it was "School Forest No Place to Shoot Deer" which we shared with the local school board, pleading with officials both times not to cull animals so attached to Christmas celebrations. Last year, we followed the big national story for Donald Trump is Coming to Town.

This year we're coming back to the county to celebrate the season with zealous Prosecutor Beth Hand. We've reported on Beth Hand's checkered history as an assistant prosecutor back in Oakland County and some of her more recent fiascos in the local courts. It has put a target on this reporter's back, as she with help from a very willing Ludington Police Department, have arraigned me three different times in the course of a year over violations of the city code.

The problem is that every single charge has been rather incredible variations of a trespassing on public property theme, where one has already been dismissed by the court and the other two are based on weaker legal theories than what was floated there. When a reasonable person objectively looks at these cases, they almost universally ask "Where is the crime?" to every one of them.

And so while it was a big waste of my time to go to the court this morning and (with my attorney) wait around for two hours and forty minutes for a preliminary conference where the prosecutor never allowed us an audience, it has and will be a bigger waste of county court and judicial resources to resolve the three charges left.

Perhaps her obsession with getting this reporter has something to do with some sort of sick attraction she has developed over the last couple years. That realization came while listening to Dean Martin singing a wintertime duet with Martina McBride. "Baby, it's cold outside", almost seemed naturally to flow into "Beth Hand, you're cold inside", and distorting the lyrics while keeping the meter and basic rhyme scheme flowed best when the roles were reversed.

In the original the woman wants to go home, and Dino does his best to encourage her to stay because of the nasty weather. In the modified version, Hand does her best to get me and others to stay in the county jail after specious trials, while I just tell her what a bad person she is.

I adopted and adapted the lyrics from the live version which has a brief exchange in the middle and at the end [these are not in the studio version provided] which is also altered. The best way to enjoy the fresh lyrics is to play the video just loud enough to hear the music and go down the page from left (Beth Hand's singing part) to the right (my singing part). See if you can identify the one line from the original song that I left unchanged for my singing part. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas.

BETH HAND, YOU'RE COLD INSIDE

I need to arraign

Beth Hand, you're cold inside

Don't like what you're sayin'

Evil you cannot hide

The Pitchfork has been...

Reporting your ev'ry sin

Not very nice

Just like falsely charging me thrice

My reputation has been whupped

It happens when you're that corrupt

My office is greatly understaffed
A result of unjust Hand-icraft

So, I must find yet another crime
Gruesome troll, waste more court time

And maybe I will add another count
Like others they'll just be thrown out

The judges might think

Beth Hand, they know your game

If I drop enough ink
Nothing to back up your claim

I wish I knew how
Your eyes dull just like a cow

To break this man

Please try once more, I'll bust your plan

I ought to accept this warrant

Your ethics, so abhorrent

At least I'm gonna say that I tried

No conscience there to be your guide

I really can't stop

Beth Hand don't shun truth

Beth Hand your cold inside

[Ugh, you got some nerve, you know?

I'd like to think of it as on-spot reporting]

You simply must go

Beth Hand, you're cold inside

The answer is, "So"
But, Beth Hand, you're cold inside

My patience wears thin
Not nearly as thick as your skin

I follow laws

And shred them with your wicked claws

My assistant will prosecute

Your power's not absolute

The police will arrive at your door

Is that what voters voted for?

I'll advise them to be vicious
The charges so fictitious

Don't think I won't take it to trial

You'll hear a jury's denial

I'll get you one day

Beth Hand, you're not okay

Hey, admit your guilt

Sorry, it's not how I'm built

You should not resist

Tools like you should not exist

Why you so rude?

You're waging lawfare-- I'm pursued

I'll damage your reputation

I'll offer a refutation

What would win you over to my side?
If you got pneumonia and died

I can't give up yet

You least have one more threat

Beth Hand, you're cold,

Beth Hand, your cold inside.

[Okay, fine, all charges dropped

That took a lot of convincing]

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Beth Hand, You're Cold Inside

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